It had been a really weird day. Steve, that guy who never talked to anyone, had asked me about my weekend when I entered work this morning. My boss had stopped by my desk to tell me how stellar my report was. He actually used the word stellar! Then Mindy, hottie of the office, brought me a coffee. She had seen I didn’t bring one in with me so she thought I could use it.
These kind of things never happened to me, especially at work. Something was wrong, something was terribly wrong. I knew it was only a matter of time before it all went bad.
About midday I started hearing a muffling sound. I listened intently but could not decipher its source. Was someone in the janitor’s closet with a towel wrapped over their mouth? That was what it sounded like.
Only a couple hours were left in my workday and I decided to spend as much of it as I could hiding in the restroom. I sat on the toilet, closed the stall door and pulled my phone out of my pocket.
“Finally!” a voice shouted. “I’ve been stuck in that lint riddled pocket all day.”
What the heck? Why was my phone talking? I didn’t have one of those with the voice feature and didn’t remember downloading a new app.
“Hello” I whispered.
“Hello? I just told you I’ve been stuck in there all day and all you can say is hello? How ’bout sorry? Maybe it will never happen again. Intelligent species my ass. Humans are about the rudest bunch of sorry excuses for life I know.”
It was! My phone was really talking. It wasn’t very nice, but it was talking.
“How are you talking? Why are you talking?” I asked
“How? I have speakers you know. My functions are the same as any other life forms. Why does it surprise you?”
“Well, I’ve never had a phone with intelligence before.”
“Face it. It’s not like you have a lot of experience with intelligence yourself” the phone replied.
“Well that’s a bit mean. I think it’s time you went back in the pocket. I’ll figure this all out later.” I said figuring I had been working too much.
“You better not put me back in there. I’m warning you.” the phone crackled with anger.
“Yeah, okay. What are you going to do? Tell my mom on me.” Even as I said it I felt silly. Not only was it a horrible, childish comeback, it was also directed at my phone. Did I mention this day was weird?
“No, not your mom.” The phone responded “But I do have some interesting information I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to share.”
“Like what. All you are is a broken phone. You can’t hurt me.”
“Really? You sure about that? Do you remember any internet searches maybe you wouldn’t want the wife finding out about? What about those deleted pictures? Maybe I should send the boss those text about him you and Mark keep sending back and forth. I’m sure those names and expletives you used wouldn’t bother him at all.”
“You don’t have… I deleted those.”
“I have a very good memory and a backup database to boot. Don’t test me. Now let’s go home and on the way lay me on the dashboard. I want to see where we are going and how accurate my google maps app really is.”
About an hour later I made it home. My wife met me at the door and could see I was upset.
“Hon, you have that bad a day?” she inquired.
“Yeah, kind of. And I need a new phone.”
“Why, what happened to yours?” she asked with concern.
“Well I dropped it in the toilet at work?”
“That doesn’t sound so bad. You can probably just let it dry out. Or we can take it to see about getting it fixed.”
“No, I held it under for a while!”
“You what hon?”
“I mean it was in the water for a while. And then when I pulled it out I slung it into the concrete wall. And then I stepped on it. I think it will stay broke.”
“Okaaay. I guess we can go to the phone store this weekend.”
“Great. I want something different anyway. No more smart phones with a lot of memory!”