What if Superman was a total ass?

superman-295328_640Years of saving people and stopping super-villains had made Superman a bit cranky. No matter how many times he stopped Lex Luthor and put him in prison, he always escaped to cause more chaos. Every time a satellite was malfunctioning the government would call, expecting him to fly into space and fix it. If a house caught fire or an eighteen wheeler turned over and he was not immediately there to help out, everyone complained.

It was just too much. He needed a break but a vacation for a super-hero was nearly impossible. Hell, just a good night’s sleep was something he hadn’t experienced in years. Then today he received this! The city of Metropolis had sent him a bill for the destruction caused during his latest fight with Doomsday.

How could they possibly expect him to pay a million dollars in rebuilding costs? All the good he had done for this city and he never received a dime compensation. I mean even that stupid Golden Key to the city they gave him was made of a hollow metal. That was it, all he could take, he had had it. From now on he would let the people fend for themselves!

It was only a few days before the city was in complete chaos. Almost every bank had been robbed at least once and half the police force had quit. Without the help of a super powered being to fight the super-villains they decided this was not the place for them.

It took every ounce of Superman’s will to hold back and not save everyone. He watched as the villain’s gained control of the city. After a while it actually started to make him smile. He started to chuckle every time a news report contained the headline “Where is Superman?”. For some reason he enjoyed the fact that the city was not able to survive without him.

He decided to make his appearance again, but he was a changed hero. No longer the doormat of the city he would choose when, how and why he choose to help out. If the city itself or the government agencies needed his help they were going to pay for it. Why shouldn’t he have just as fancy a mansion as the local hero of Gotham City did?

He flew into to town to applause from the city’s inhabitants. An older lady approached him asking for help. Her cat was at the top of the tree by her house.

“Sorry, lady. That’s a job for the fire department or the neighborhood kid. I’m much too Super to do a menial task like that.” Superman told her.

The gathered crowd let out a collective gasp. What had happened to the Man of Steel during his hiatus?

Suddenly a car came screeching by, shots being fired. A police cruiser was on its heels and pulled to a stop at the site of Superman.

The officer driving hollered out the window asking for help, saying the car they were pursuing was full of bank robbers. Superman went into action and seconds later had the criminals in hand. He handed the cops two of the three bags of money from the getaway vehicle.

“Superman, thank you. I’ll go ahead and take these and that other bag back to the bank.” the officer told him.

“No, this is my reward for saving the rest. Tell the bank It’s a down payment on the back money owed for my security duties up to this point.”

Another collective gasp was heard from the gathered onlookers. Had Superman been dipping into the Red Kryptonite again?

Superman took flight and hollered back to the crowd “Sorry about that. Couldn’t hold it any longer. It will dissipate in a couple hours.” then could be seen chuckling to himself as he flew away.

The crowd and the cops looked at each other wondering what the great hero was talking about. It was answered quickly as a distinct odor enveloped the crowd. A few people even passed out from the strong smell of a Super-Powered poot from a Super-Ass.

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