What if writing challenge – Holidays 2014!

I have been thinking of restarting the What If Writing Challenge again because I miss all the great fun we had. I remember some crazy scenarios that came out and some wonderfully written stories based on the former writing challenges.

The challenge I put forth for you today doesn’t mean the challenges are back, but it could lead to something new if it goes well. Let me know your thoughts and/or concerns.

The challenge I would like for you to consider in the spirit of the holidays…

What if you were the Elf on the Shelf?

Photo courtesy of Flicker

Photo courtesy of Flicker

Imagine you are that creepy little fellow who sits on shelves all over the world judging little kids throughout the holiday season. What do you witness? What are your daily routines? Are you nice, naughty or both?

Make up your very own make believe world or base it in reality. Make the Elf real or just tell his sad story as a stuffed thing. It’s your story so tell it to all the adoring What if readers.

A few rules…

  1. Keep it a reasonable length, let’s say around 500 words so we can enjoy any entries and read them all before the holidays.
  2. Tag your post with whatifchallenge
  3. Add a link back to this post or the linkup tool and check back often to see what others have posted
  4. Share your post between now and Christmas Eve (December 24th 2014)
  5. Have fun, I repeat have fun!

Also, not a rule but a suggestion, keep it somewhat clean. No vulgar references to the Elf please. He is after all somewhat a kid’s toy and it is the holidays. Thanks for visiting and I hope to see your story soon. JED

Happy Holidays!

Happy Holidays!

What if the sock monster wanted more?

I think everybody has met that villain The Sock Monster. It usually hangs out around the washer or dryer and steals any matching socks it can get its claws on. It’s usually more of a nuisance than a problem, but recently my personal sock monster decided it was no longer happy with just socks. Now it wants more.

socks

The last time I washed my clothes and pulled them out the dryer I noticed a problem. Among my load was a pair of my pants that was fine before the wash, but now was missing one leg. The next time I washed a load it happened again. I don’t have too many pairs of pants so this was a bit upsetting. I’ve got one pair missing a right leg and one pair missing a left leg and now have to put on both to be fully clothed. I have to say two pairs of pants overlapping are rough on the crotch.

If I only wear one it looks like I’m trying to pull off some weird new style with one leg normal and the other daisy duke style. Again I have to say something, the daisy duke look is not the look for me. I really hope this doesn’t start happening to my work pants. The look would be especially hard to explain to my co-workers.

Anybody got any suggestions on what to do about my problem? Do I need to buy some different socks and hope maybe the monster will like them better? Socks are a lot cheaper to buy and if I’m missing a sock it looks better than a missing pants leg. Has this happened to anyone else? What happens if it gets tired of the pants legs too?

I’m afraid eventually any type of clothes will not be able to satisfy it and it will start looking for a substitute. What if I take a bath and when I get out I’m missing a foot. This is really a disturbing problem and I just don’t know what to do!

What if I could frighten you with titles?

So I was at my parents house the other day visiting and like normal, my dad was in his recliner staring at the TV. It always saddens me to see this man who worked two jobs along with helping my mom raise four children and run a thrift store for years now stationary. It’s rare he ever leaves the house anymore and it’s hard for any of us to see him this way.

The TV is the only thing he does now. He has never learned a computer and doesn’t want to. He spends his days watching re-runs of Law and Order and the occasional afternoon movie. This brings me to my post subject.

I really want to know who the genius is that decides the name of SyFy channel original movies. I’m sure they probably make a good living with this profession. What if I could get in on that? I think I could come up with some exciting thriller and horror titles that get your attention.

I’ve been over at my parents visiting and after a few minutes I’ll ask

“What are you watching?” to which dad replies

“I don’t know, it’s a movie on SyFy. I just started watching it” and then my mom chimes in with

“Some @$%& your dad turned it to. He watches all those weird movies and doesn’t even know what they are about” then she goes back to her crossword

So my dad hits the menu feature and up pops the movie title and it’s something like

super-sharkRagin Cagin Redneck Gators

Ghost Storm

Alladin and the Death Lamp

Piranacanda

Sharktopus

Chupacabra VS the Alamo

These are all real movie titles and can be found here. There are many more which is why I want to know who comes with these? Once in a while one of them is even worth watching.

So a visit to my parent’s house nowadays usually includes a Sharknado viewing. I’ve come to expect it and try not to let it shock me anymore, but decided to ask a question about it.

Do you have a favorite movie title or how about an idea for your own?

30551_7db507fda4

Were-Kittens VS Sala-Man-ders
These kitty’s have claws but the part man, part salamanders stand in their way of taking down all dogs for good. Witness the epic battle and the destruction these creatures cause.

That’s my idea, but not yet a real movie. Maybe I’ll just keep posting weird movie ideas in October as part of the Sh-October event. Wonder if SyFy is reading?

What if my house was hungry?

houseOkay, what if my house was always hungry? No matter what I bring into it the appetite it has will never be fully satisfied.

It keeps digesting items faster than I can find replacements, or afford them. I bring in a new recliner and it’s done with the couch. If I replace the couch the TV stops working and is no longer appetizing. I find a bigger more tasty TV and the washing machine starts causing a stomach ache for my house.

I don’t want to be around when my house starts regurgitating its food. I’ve heard sewage backups are not fun at all. Maybe if I give it a fresh coat of paint it will act like Pepto and settle its stomach for now.

The worst part of it all is no matter how much I feed my house, it never gains any weight. Its metabolism is unbelievable. I wouldn’t mind if it put on a few pounds and made a little more room inside for all my junk. I like a big house!

Anybody got an idea how to quiet the grumblings coming from my house? I’ve tried carpet, paint, blinds, new furniture, appliances and decorations and it still wants more!

What if you farted? Well it wasn’t me!

Another road trip with the family. Another long afternoon in the car, surrounded by my older brothers, stuck in the middle again. That’s what I get for being the youngest and the smallest.

Are we there yet? Not yet dad responds, but it won’t be long now. Why don’t you play a game with your brothers? You need to find something to pass the time.

Why? Because the only fun my brothers think I’m good for is either as a punching bad or a throw toy, that’s why. I think I’ll just sit here being quiet and try not to get their attention.

Wait, I remember this road, this is where that chicken farm is. It will stink for the next two miles. Why did we have to be going down this road today?

fingerOh no, the giants are restless, they sense their chance to create havoc. They are alert now and the chaos begins

“Oh my gosh, what did you eat? Roll down a window”

“Whatever it was it’s rotten and it’s seeping out”

“I think it crawled up inside you and died”

No, it wasn’t me. It’s that farm. I didn’t do anything.

Of course they know I wasn’t the producer of this stench, but that doesn’t stop their assault.

I feel a need to defend myself. It’s so important to me that they don’t think I’ve done something wrong.

Of course only a few years later the ability to produce such a strong odor will be coveted and I’ll be sure they know if it was me, but for now I’m trying to find a way to make them believe I wasn’t responsible.

Now the jabs are progressing

“He who denied it supplied it”

“Nuh-uh. He who smelt it dealt it”

I’m so proud of my comeback. Surely they’ll leave me alone and find something else to torture now.

“Well, he who refuted it is the one that tooted it””

“Oh yeah, well he who spoke it must have broke it”

Wow I’m getting good at these comebacks!

“He who resented it is the one that presented it”

“Well whoever has the mullet must be the culprit”

Okay, I just lost all my credibility for my comebacks. This one was especially bad since none of us had a mullet. I finally just sat back in my seat, folded my arms and said “Fine it was me” to which both my brothers busted out laughing. I even heard my dad chuckle a little despite him trying to hide it.

This is my movement of a transportation related to a smell. Transported back to my childhood and the long car rides and family road trips.

This post is written in response to the Daily Prompt: Smell you later

Humans have very strong scent memory. Tell us about a smell that transports you.

Photographers, artists, poets: show us TRANSPORTED.

road

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What if I had listened to all the advice I was given?

Do you ever feel like everybody has an opinion they want to share and your the magnet that pulls them all in. Whether I ask for it or not, everybody seems to have advice for me.  Sometimes this advice is helpful, but the majority of it is unwanted, unneeded and downright bad. If I had listened to all the advice I was given over the years, I’d probably be out a wife, a house and my job.

table

I’m the type of person who normally keeps to myself and tries to stay out of the way. If someone asks my opinion on a matter I’ll share my thoughts, but otherwise I normally keep my mouth shut. I feel like it’s not my place to tell someone how to live their life, so why does it seem everybody feels the need to tell me?

I’m consistently hearing things like:

“you need to buy a new car”

“you should try to save some money”

“maybe you need to start looking for a new house”

This type of advice all sounds great and brings up things I’ve thought about myself, but if it was so simple I would have done it already. Do these people think I wouldn’t like a new car, a stack of money and a new house? If anyone has a suggestion on how to get these things without changing my monthly expenses please let me know.

I also get the occasional:

“that shirt doesn’t look good on you”

“you should read this book, it’s great”

“have you seen that new movie, you should watch it”

To these my thoughts are normally things like I wish you would have told me before I spent twenty dollars on it, thanks for the book recommendation but I’m not a fan of that subject matter and I’ve already watched that movie, hated it and definitely don’t want to watch it again. My actual responses are usually “okay, thanks” and “maybe I’ll check it out”.

I can’t seem to go anywhere without someone giving me advice. The waiter at the restaurant wants to tell me about his recommendations and specials. The guy behind me at the convenience store wants to tell me the grape flavor of the juice I’m buying tastes better than the one I have. My neighbor wants to tell me about better tools to use for my yard work. My friend wants to tell me about how I should get this new phone because its better than the one I have. It just never stops.

Recently, while I was shopping at the grocery store a man spotted me and came rushing towards me. He seemed distraught so I’m thinking this man needs some dire help or he has something important to tell me. When he gets to me he asks “have you ever tried Roy’s Hot Sauce. If not you need to get some. It’s the best tasting, I buy a bottle almost every week”. I don’t remember the actual name, just that it was some specialty hot sauce brand. This man rushed over to advise me about this product and I wasn’t even on the aisle with the hot sauce. When he left me he headed straight at another shopper and started telling them the same thing. Maybe he was part owner of the brand? Whatever his reasons it felt like an unwanted intrusion of unneeded advice.

turtleMaybe I just look confused or lost all the time and people feel the need to help me out. Sometimes I just want to say “I got this!” I’ve been around almost forty years and survived up until this point. If I need your help I’ll ask. I’m not afraid to admit when I can’t do it by myself. If I do ask for your help though I want your help only. Please keep your advice or constant nagging to yourself. There may be a better way, but this is my way and I’m happy with it.

What if we could have a do-over day?

Okay, what if you could have a do-over day? Maybe once a year have the ability to wipe away or restart the previous day. If this was possible, I’ll choose yesterday as my do-over day. Nothing really bad happened, yet every little thing that did happen all added up to an immensely aggravating day.

do-over

It started with me and my wife trying to help out an older gentleman whose TV had quit. We worked out the ability to take him a brand new TV at no cost. I know it sounds like a nice thing to do and most people would be overjoyed with the kindness they had received, but that’s not the reaction this man had. At his age (almost eighty) he has earned the right to be grumpy and speak his mind, but when he yelled at us for something we had no control over it was highly upsetting! The yelling started when he decided the TV we brought was not big enough even though it was the same size as his previous one. He wanted something bigger and expressed this with quite a bit of ferocity. He added to his complaint with a dislike of the picture on this new TV. Since it was not exactly like his old picture there was something wrong with it. We tried to adjust the settings to satisfy his complaint, but nothing would please him. Me and my wife both ended up getting loud right back which is something neither of us do often, but it was the only way to handle his outbursts. At one point he even told my wife to stop talking to him because he would rather talk to a man. Needless to say, this did not go over well and I consider myself lucky that bail money was not needed to get the wife out of jail.
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