What if Superman was a total ass?

superman-295328_640Years of saving people and stopping super-villains had made Superman a bit cranky. No matter how many times he stopped Lex Luthor and put him in prison, he always escaped to cause more chaos. Every time a satellite was malfunctioning the government would call, expecting him to fly into space and fix it. If a house caught fire or an eighteen wheeler turned over and he was not immediately there to help out, everyone complained.

It was just too much. He needed a break but a vacation for a super-hero was nearly impossible. Hell, just a good night’s sleep was something he hadn’t experienced in years. Then today he received this! The city of Metropolis had sent him a bill for the destruction caused during his latest fight with Doomsday.

How could they possibly expect him to pay a million dollars in rebuilding costs? All the good he had done for this city and he never received a dime compensation. I mean even that stupid Golden Key to the city they gave him was made of a hollow metal. That was it, all he could take, he had had it. From now on he would let the people fend for themselves!

It was only a few days before the city was in complete chaos. Almost every bank had been robbed at least once and half the police force had quit. Without the help of a super powered being to fight the super-villains they decided this was not the place for them.

It took every ounce of Superman’s will to hold back and not save everyone. He watched as the villain’s gained control of the city. After a while it actually started to make him smile. He started to chuckle every time a news report contained the headline “Where is Superman?”. For some reason he enjoyed the fact that the city was not able to survive without him.

He decided to make his appearance again, but he was a changed hero. No longer the doormat of the city he would choose when, how and why he choose to help out. If the city itself or the government agencies needed his help they were going to pay for it. Why shouldn’t he have just as fancy a mansion as the local hero of Gotham City did?

He flew into to town to applause from the city’s inhabitants. An older lady approached him asking for help. Her cat was at the top of the tree by her house.

“Sorry, lady. That’s a job for the fire department or the neighborhood kid. I’m much too Super to do a menial task like that.” Superman told her.

The gathered crowd let out a collective gasp. What had happened to the Man of Steel during his hiatus?

Suddenly a car came screeching by, shots being fired. A police cruiser was on its heels and pulled to a stop at the site of Superman.

The officer driving hollered out the window asking for help, saying the car they were pursuing was full of bank robbers. Superman went into action and seconds later had the criminals in hand. He handed the cops two of the three bags of money from the getaway vehicle.

“Superman, thank you. I’ll go ahead and take these and that other bag back to the bank.” the officer told him.

“No, this is my reward for saving the rest. Tell the bank It’s a down payment on the back money owed for my security duties up to this point.”

Another collective gasp was heard from the gathered onlookers. Had Superman been dipping into the Red Kryptonite again?

Superman took flight and hollered back to the crowd “Sorry about that. Couldn’t hold it any longer. It will dissipate in a couple hours.” then could be seen chuckling to himself as he flew away.

The crowd and the cops looked at each other wondering what the great hero was talking about. It was answered quickly as a distinct odor enveloped the crowd. A few people even passed out from the strong smell of a Super-Powered poot from a Super-Ass.

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Longtime Batman villain The Riddler changes name to The Googler

riddlerThe Riddler, who is one of the oldest and best known of the many evil super villains from the Batman world, was recently quoted as saying he was debating a name change. He later tweeted his new moniker of The Googler to his many followers sparking a controversy between comic book fans.

Even if you’ve never read the comics you may remember The Riddler as a recurring character in the Batman TV series or more recently as portrayed by actor Jim Carrey in the Batman Forever movie. Also known as Edward Nigma when he isn’t causing chaos in Gotham, he was recently interviewed by fellow blogger Clark Kent. Clark is a well known former Daily Bugle reporter who took up blogging after stepping down as a newspaper reporter.

Clark: So Edward, if I may call you that, you recently tweeted a major change to your super villain alter ego. Can you give us a little insight into your decision?

Edward: It basically boils down to the fact that things change. In the last few years super heroes and villains are consistently being updated and having origin stories rewritten. I decided it was time for a change in my life and time for The Riddler to be put to rest. It was a tough decision but one I feel needed to be made.

Clark: Okay, I can understand that. I’ve recently went through some major changes in my own life. But how did you come up with the new name? I understand you decided on The Googler.

Edward: Yes, The Googler was the final decision. It is a good fit and doesn’t stray too far from my former persona. It is also more relevant in today’s society and more recognizable.

Clark: Maybe, but how does it relate to you as a super villain?

Edward: Well as The Riddler I was known as a villain who was obsessed with puzzles, riddles and the like. Problem is today a riddle is too easy to decipher. Everyone has a smartphone or a tablet and can easily google a riddle and find the answer in a matter of seconds. How can I compete with the internet? I thought about that for a while and then decided why compete, why not use it to my advantage?

Clark: Okay, how does renaming yourself as The Googler fit into this advantage?

Edward: It’s not just a renaming. What I’ve done is revamped my entire persona right down to my signature riddles. Instead of starting riddles with Riddle me this, I now use Google me this then follow up with a search query. For example I say Google me this: Wayne manor orgy party attendees.

Clark: Well that’s definitely a weird search query, but how does it work into your evil plans?

Edward: Well you see the puzzle aspect is still involved. When someone performs the search they’ll return lots of results but only one with any relation to my plan. I have become quite adapt at computer hacking, you see. Lets say they find the site I have set up and its covered with orgy related pictures. There may be one of Batman and Bruce Wayne together, one with Robin and  Alfred and one with Commissioner Gordon and five of his female officers.

Clark: You have a picture of Bruce Wayne and Batman having relations?

Edward: No but that’s what photoshop is for. I don’t think Batman is gay, but if he was I think he would go for the rich playboy type. And I’ve always thought Robin had a thing for older men so Alfred would keep him busy. As for Commissioner Gordon he seems to be all about the force so I think he would be teaching his young officers the best way to be promoted.

Clark: That’s all very interesting but I believe we’ve gotton a bit off topic. What do these photos have to do with a puzzle or a plan?

Edward: Well if someone can look past the images of the orgy and see in the background when the images overlap a picture of the First Bank of Gotham may appear. Then they will know what my target is and can try to stop me.

Clark: Okay, I see how it would work. What I’ve never understood is why you would want to give away your plan to someone who will then attempt to stop you?

Edward: I wish I had an answer for that. I’ve never liked all the confrontations or the jail time, but for some reason I feel obligated to leave clues. I just can’t change that part of my persona.

Clark: I want to thank you for allowing me this interview. Maybe once the fans hear your reasons they will have a better understanding of the new name.

Edward: I hope so and I appreciate your allowing me to give my explanation in this format.

Thegoogler


This post was inspired by yesterday’s Daily Prompt: Google and Rescue Operation.
I was a little late but I hope you enjoyed my take.

What if you could choose to have a superpower?

Okay, what if you were given one superpower and had to pick it yourself? What would you choose as your new power. Super strength or speed, the ability to fly, invisibility, etc…

superheroesYou can only have one, so what will it be? Most people probably don’t even think about it and can just blurt out their answer immediately, bur for me, this is a tough decision. I can’t help but see the problems with each of these abilities instead of the gains.
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