What if I bought a goat?

I have a love hate relationship with my lawn. I love looking out the window and seeing it all green and freshly mowed, but I hate cutting it.

Up until last year we had a mower that was affectionately named ‘Bitsa’, because it was bits and pieces of other people’s old ones.  On the last cut of the year, Bitsa ate too much grass and unfortunately gave her last gasp and collapsed. You have no idea how glad I am that I was not the one pushing her on until her last slice, oh no, that fell to the fathership, who was just glad he had about 5 months to source out a suitable alternative.

lawn bike

The cut and shunt approach. (Image by Lee Coursey)

I’d been fairly lucky that due to my accident I was unable to mow the lawn for a while and as it was approaching that time of year again, the Fathership decided that perhaps another cut and shunt machine was not the way to go, and purchased a self drive lawnmower. Well after taking it for a test drive I can confirm that for this year anyway I am still unable to mow the lawn.


Image by DuffDudeX1

I am pretty sure it is tanked up on the gardening worlds version of Nitrous Oxide as if you pull the lever up to far you find yourself hanging on for dear life as the machine does a lap of the garden. Now I know (before you tell me), that if you let the lever go then the mower will stop, but as it gathers speed and panic sets in, the natural instinct is to grip tighter and that’s just what I did. Even the Fathership agreed that I was not ready this year, although to be fair I think he was more worried about his new mower than me.

So I look at him trudging around the garden well into his three score years and ten and I think, there has to be another way. My solution? Well I think I should buy a goat and name it Billy.


Image by By Kickme1138

Goats are extremely curious and intelligent. They are also very coordinated and widely known for their ability to climb and hold their balance in the most precarious places.

Well that’s perfect, Billy will have no problem climbing the steps into the grassy area at the top of the garden to feast on the delights that await him there.

Goats have an intensely inquisitive and intelligent nature; they will explore anything new or unfamiliar in their surroundings.

If he does happen to get out and venture into other peoples gardens I will make the whole thing as simple as possible by simply charging a flat rate for his gardening skills. I may occasionally have to offset that again the cost of new fencing, or flowers etc, but I am confident I will still turn a profit.

Goats are reputed to be willing to eat almost anything, including tin cans and cardboard boxes.

Bingo. So a lawn containing some weeds will be no problem for my Billy and perhaps over time I can train him to assist with the recycling.

Goat breeders clubs frequently hold shows, where goats are judged on traits relating to conformationudder quality, evidence of high production, longevity, build,  muscling and fibre production. (edited)

Well I think that’s udderly ridiculous. I’ll stick a summer hat on Billy and put him in the garden and show him off to the neighbourhood children, for a modest entrance fee of course. Goat’s don’t come cheap you know.

I think I’m onto a winner here, what say you in the great Lawnmower verses Goat debate?

(Quotes from Wikipedia. Some may have been edited)