What if we had a worst Halloween costume ever party?

austin-249_640I want to have a big Halloween bash but not your typical costume dress up affair. I want everyone to think of the very worst possible costume ever. The absolute most horrible but not necessarily hideous costume of all time.

So what you got?

A police officer who forgot to wear his pants?

A mouse with a human ear on it’s back?

Maybe the Ebola Nurse costume I heard them talking about on the radio today?

I know there are some really bad ones out there. Maybe you have seen it, heard about it or just joked about it at some point. Now is your chance to share and maybe be the winner in our worst costume ever party!

Imagine the fun we could have. I guess since we can’t really get together we will just have to settle for comments. Please tell us your worst costume idea in the comments section below, photos optional. Share with your friends or reblog this post and see how many good bad ideas we can come up with.

If I get some really good ones we will have a vote on Friday for the very worst.

Please join in and let’s have some horrible fun!!!

What if I could be a Ghostbuster?

I must admit the Ghostbusters movie had an impact on me. I was still a kid when the movie came out. I remember seeing Slimer for the first time, I can still sing most of the lyrics to the theme song and I really wanted to try some of that roasted marshmallow after Stay Puff was destroyed.staypuff

Of course the main reason I wanted to be an honorary member of the Ghostbuster’s was to be able to go cruising the streets in Ecto-1. Every other station wagon looking vehicle in existence became even more mundane at the site of the Ectomobile.

Being able to say things like “We came, we saw, we kicked it’s ass” “I got slimed” and “If someone asks if you are a god, you say yes” without sounding cheesy? Only the Ghostbusters could pull those off.

And I too would have eventually crossed the streams. After all when someone says “it would be very bad” without more explanation, you have to figure out exactly what they mean right?

The only bad part I can see is having to carry around all that equipment. Maybe by now the technology has advanced enough that it is no longer so much or so heavy. I wonder it there is an app for catching ghosts?

I might just check into it. If not maybe I can invent the first app for trapping spirits and the evil things that go bump in the night. Maybe I’ll even run into a sexy possessed female spirit. Bet the wife wouldn’t be happy about it though.

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Long live the Ghostbusters!

What if ice cream didn’t melt?

I found this weird story on twitter today. It is a bit cringe worthy and made me worry/wonder about other products. The video below may frighten you.


What if your ice cream didn’t melt? Would you still eat it?

I don’t know about you, but I am not planning to buy any of these sandwiches anytime soon! Just what is in these and what does it do once it’s inside our bodies? Does it melt then or go through the digestive system intact, then slide out the same as it came in? Uuggh, I think I just grossed myself out.

I usually don’t share anything other than my own thoughts and stories here on this blog, but this was just too weird to keep to myself and worked as a what if. Don’t worry though, I don’t plan to make a habit of shareing weird videos or stories.

What if I was missing?

It had been nearly a week since I had seen myself. It wasn’t like me to not show up at work, to not be right there in the middle of the trenches. The others at work didn’t even seem to notice. Were they all so involved in their own lives to not even realize a co worker was missing?

Even at home I was nowhere to be seen. Not out in the yard trimming the trees, not in the driveway washing down the car and not even on the porch kicked back in my deck chair. The place seemed too quiet. The usual sights and sounds were gone.

After the second day I called the police to report myself missing. They seemed to be confused and were harsh with me, telling me it wasn’t something they could help with. Why can’t the police help with a missing person? It’s part of their job and I waited the forty eight hours before filing the report.

I debated calling a Private Investigator, but I am unsure where to find one and I don’t have the money to spend. I know money shouldn’t matter when it comes to finding yourself, but when you have none it always matters.

I thought about placing posters in the neighborhood but what should they say? Again I have nothing for a reward and I’m not sure if people will even notice the posters without one.

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Missing. Man of approximately forty years old. Friendly sort that answers to the name of JED and enjoys the occasional beer, just don’t feed him more than three or he may become vicious and bite.

I’m really starting to get worried. This is so unlike myself. I always know where I am going and when I am coming back. This time is different and I’m not sure what to do. Maybe it’s time I started doing some investigating of my own.

I need to speak with the family. See if any of them know anything. I have a few suspicions already, but nothing to pinpoint anything certain. Maybe someone will know a little more about me than I know about myself. If I left willingly, where would I have went and how do we get me back?

I started casing the neighborhood and asking the neighbors questions. I would show them a picture and ask if they had seen the man in the photo. Most of them just looked at me or stared, maybe started laughing a bit and said are you kidding. I’m not sure what’s got them spooked, but no one was talking and most just quickly got away from me.

I guess the social networks are next. I’m starting on this blog and will try to share the search on other places. If you have seen me or know anything that could help me find myself please let me know. No matter how small the detail, anything may help.

What if I faked my life?

Sometimes it feels as if I am lost.

I stand on the outside and stare in on life.

I can only watch as the mistakes unfold.

Why did I not see the fault in my actions?dandelion-333093_640

Why couldn’t I step in and stop the shame?

Do others see me as I see myself?

Do they know I am lost, adrift in the wind?

Where am I going, where have I been?

I think it’s time I take control

Find my way and make my choices

I need to be more than I am

No more drifting, just getting by

Time for me to be a better man

Faking my life no longer an option

Living the fullest is now my plan

What if toilet paper was rare?

The conveniences of modern life are numerous. We often wonder what life might be like if we didn’t have computers, electricity or the cell phone. We don’t tend to think about some of the lesser conveniences such as a pencil, bottled water or toilet paper. How different would life be if these items became a rarity? How would you react to toilet paper being in short supply? The following post considers this possibility.

Trigger warning: Poop related jokes


Once we had an array of any type of toilet paper we could imagine. There were rough types, soft types, scented, unscented, with prints and without. We could buy a single roll, a four pack, an eight pack and so forth. It was available at nearly any grocery, department or convenience store. Billions of rolls were probably sold every year and I am pretty certain anyone reading this blog has taken advantage of a few of those rolls.toilet-roll-220415_150

That was the past and now the toilet paper is disappearing. The worlds dirty bottoms are too many for the supply to handle. It was warned that soon the paper may be running out if people continued to wad large amounts with each swipe, use in place of a handkerchief for nasal issues or as a glass cleaning wipe but no one listened.

No one believed and now we find that the bathrooms are empty. The lonely cardboard rolls are all that is left on the holders. The full rolls are so scarce only the richest can afford to purchase them. Whenever the old stories of papering someone’s yard come up they cause an outbreak of tears. How could we have wasted so much? Why didn’t we understand how good we had it?

The amount of stress caused and the escalation in violence have been linked directly to the shortage of toilet paper. It seems when you can’t get your back end cleaned it causes most people to become irritable and easily angered. They feel smelly and dirty throughout the day until they can get properly cleaned with a shower or bath and even sometimes those do not help.

Crowded areas such as public transportation, sporting events or shopping malls is where we have seen the most outbreaks of TP related violence. When you get that many people in close quarters someone is going to lose it. Going into a public restroom causes anxiety by itself but add in the fact of knowing you are not going to be able to fully clean yourself and it is so much worse. Now multiply that feeling by the hundreds to thousands of people in these places and you might understand why the violent outburst are happeningpunch-316605_150.

Brown finger syndrome has also become a traumatic new disorder. The people who never washed after their bathroom trips are now suffering this awful complication of not having available toilet paper. If they were unable to adapt and learn to wash they are shunned. Others immediately pick up on their disorder and just stay clear or decide to ridicule them.

It seems no one knows what to do about the problem or even why it is happening. The shelves were packed with toilet paper one day and then empty the next. Since then they have remained that way. Anytime an official or public figure is asked about the problem they just state no comment or ignore the question completely.

Now other things are beginning to become scarce. Other types of paper products that have been used for the lacking TP are slowly disappearing. Paper towels, newspapers and writing paper are all still around but seen a bit less. Bottoms are sore and the toilets are being clogged with these substitutes. The backup in both is causing even worse problems.

There seems to be no end to the consequences caused by this situation. As the great Beavis once predicted – running around in a panic and screaming “I need TP for my bunghole” has become a reality for almost everyone.the-great-cornholio

What if I could wag my tail?

My wife fusses with me sometimes because like most guys, I tend to hide my emotions. I will keep them bottled up and to myself, not ready to share my sensitive side with the world. If only I had a tail I could wag things might be so much simpler.

When my wife made it home from work I could meet her at the door. Normally she might get upset if I didn’t look excited to see her but a tail wag would cure that. She would instantly know how glad I was she was home and I wouldn’t even need to hump her leg.

Of course it might get me in trouble as well. If we took a vacation to the beach and while walking with her I got a bit over excited by all the bikini clad babes it would be hard to hide my feelings. Too ecstatic a tail wag and we might spend the evening fighting in our hotel room.bark

What if the tail was a part of all men? Just imagine the tail waging that might happen at an all you can eat buffet, the racetrack or the strip club. A car show might be a dangerous place. They would need to rope off the cars and keep the men a certain distance away for fear of dents in the cars.

Dreams might cause a few problems as well. The wife would get tired of having to straighten the covers and pick them up off the floor after a good dream caused the tail to go wild. She might also want to know what the dream was about and not believe you when you said you didn’t remember. Just because you have a tail doesn’t mean you want to sleep in the dog house, right?

I can’t help but picture a bunch of men sitting at a bar with their tails hanging off the barstools. If someone wanted to pick a fight they just need to grab another man’s tail and it would be on! All the other men would gather around chanting fight, fight while their tails wagged about.

Okay now I feel like I’ve drifted way out there on this subject. It started as a thought about showing my emotions with the wife and has now gone a bit off course to where I have weirded myself out. Probably time to hit the bed. Hope I don’t have weird dreams about wagging tails tonight. At least not on a bunch of men!