The conveniences of modern life are numerous. We often wonder what life might be like if we didn’t have computers, electricity or the cell phone. We don’t tend to think about some of the lesser conveniences such as a pencil, bottled water or toilet paper. How different would life be if these items became a rarity? How would you react to toilet paper being in short supply? The following post considers this possibility.
Trigger warning: Poop related jokes
Once we had an array of any type of toilet paper we could imagine. There were rough types, soft types, scented, unscented, with prints and without. We could buy a single roll, a four pack, an eight pack and so forth. It was available at nearly any grocery, department or convenience store. Billions of rolls were probably sold every year and I am pretty certain anyone reading this blog has taken advantage of a few of those rolls.
That was the past and now the toilet paper is disappearing. The worlds dirty bottoms are too many for the supply to handle. It was warned that soon the paper may be running out if people continued to wad large amounts with each swipe, use in place of a handkerchief for nasal issues or as a glass cleaning wipe but no one listened.
No one believed and now we find that the bathrooms are empty. The lonely cardboard rolls are all that is left on the holders. The full rolls are so scarce only the richest can afford to purchase them. Whenever the old stories of papering someone’s yard come up they cause an outbreak of tears. How could we have wasted so much? Why didn’t we understand how good we had it?
The amount of stress caused and the escalation in violence have been linked directly to the shortage of toilet paper. It seems when you can’t get your back end cleaned it causes most people to become irritable and easily angered. They feel smelly and dirty throughout the day until they can get properly cleaned with a shower or bath and even sometimes those do not help.
Crowded areas such as public transportation, sporting events or shopping malls is where we have seen the most outbreaks of TP related violence. When you get that many people in close quarters someone is going to lose it. Going into a public restroom causes anxiety by itself but add in the fact of knowing you are not going to be able to fully clean yourself and it is so much worse. Now multiply that feeling by the hundreds to thousands of people in these places and you might understand why the violent outburst are happening.
Brown finger syndrome has also become a traumatic new disorder. The people who never washed after their bathroom trips are now suffering this awful complication of not having available toilet paper. If they were unable to adapt and learn to wash they are shunned. Others immediately pick up on their disorder and just stay clear or decide to ridicule them.
It seems no one knows what to do about the problem or even why it is happening. The shelves were packed with toilet paper one day and then empty the next. Since then they have remained that way. Anytime an official or public figure is asked about the problem they just state no comment or ignore the question completely.
Now other things are beginning to become scarce. Other types of paper products that have been used for the lacking TP are slowly disappearing. Paper towels, newspapers and writing paper are all still around but seen a bit less. Bottoms are sore and the toilets are being clogged with these substitutes. The backup in both is causing even worse problems.
There seems to be no end to the consequences caused by this situation. As the great Beavis once predicted – running around in a panic and screaming “I need TP for my bunghole” has become a reality for almost everyone.