What if I could wag my tail?

My wife fusses with me sometimes because like most guys, I tend to hide my emotions. I will keep them bottled up and to myself, not ready to share my sensitive side with the world. If only I had a tail I could wag things might be so much simpler.

When my wife made it home from work I could meet her at the door. Normally she might get upset if I didn’t look excited to see her but a tail wag would cure that. She would instantly know how glad I was she was home and I wouldn’t even need to hump her leg.

Of course it might get me in trouble as well. If we took a vacation to the beach and while walking with her I got a bit over excited by all the bikini clad babes it would be hard to hide my feelings. Too ecstatic a tail wag and we might spend the evening fighting in our hotel room.bark

What if the tail was a part of all men? Just imagine the tail waging that might happen at an all you can eat buffet, the racetrack or the strip club. A car show might be a dangerous place. They would need to rope off the cars and keep the men a certain distance away for fear of dents in the cars.

Dreams might cause a few problems as well. The wife would get tired of having to straighten the covers and pick them up off the floor after a good dream caused the tail to go wild. She might also want to know what the dream was about and not believe you when you said you didn’t remember. Just because you have a tail doesn’t mean you want to sleep in the dog house, right?

I can’t help but picture a bunch of men sitting at a bar with their tails hanging off the barstools. If someone wanted to pick a fight they just need to grab another man’s tail and it would be on! All the other men would gather around chanting fight, fight while their tails wagged about.

Okay now I feel like I’ve drifted way out there on this subject. It started as a thought about showing my emotions with the wife and has now gone a bit off course to where I have weirded myself out. Probably time to hit the bed. Hope I don’t have weird dreams about wagging tails tonight. At least not on a bunch of men!

What if your smile got stuck?

You know how your parents always said if you kept it up your face was going to get stuck that way? What if it really happened? You heard a joke and in the middle of a laughing smile your lips froze in place with teeth front and center.

Everywhere you went people would see you and think, “What’s he so happy about?” Or “Don’t smile at me, you don’t know me!”nerd-155841_640

It seems odd that a smile could upset people, but sometimes a somber, emotionless face is what we like to see when we are out. Anything else and we get jealous. We can’t stand for someone else to be happier than we are.

So not only is your smiling frozen face frowned upon at work while the boss is chewing you out or at the in-laws when they are telling the story of how their sweet aunt passed, it can also upset people you don’t even know.

When someone tells you your face might get stuck be afraid, be very afraid. People who say a smile can make all the difference have probably never thought about having one permanently.

Just think if you were caught with that big frozen smile while using your computer. Others might think you were being really naughty. Smile and the world will smile with you, unless they think you are watching porn. Then they will frown and look at you sadly.

What is the worst place you can think of to be smiling widely? Let me know what you think in the comments.

What if a man with a plan was available in a can?

I just have to say after spending a little over forty years in this world I find daily life a bit tough sometimes. Between the pressures of being a good person, making a living, taking care of those around that need your help and making sure to get some me time things can get a bit confusing. Sometimes coming up with the tough decisions or making a plan for the future seems to be the most daunting task ever.

Included with can is a man with a plan

If only there was someone or something to help you out with the decisions you are having trouble with making yourself! An informed know it all with all the answers. A man with a plan. A store bought future planner available in a can.

Sure maybe it would take away some of the joy and pride of making these decisions yourself, but the loss of all the stress and maybe even some of the bad decisions would be worth it.

“I just got offered a new job for more money, but the job I have now is secure. I have no chance of advancement but I also don’t have to worry about the company going under or a layoff. I have a decent benefits package but with this new job there is no ceiling and advancement is almost guaranteed. But if the company doesn’t make it neither do I. What should I do? I know, I’ll go get a man with a plan in a can and he will know what to do!”

Sure it almost sounds like going to a psychic but it would be nothing even close. You see the man with a plan is a small computer with the algorithms built in to explore every possible outcome based on the information entered and then formulate the best case scenario. Something our muddled brains don’t have the ability to do. The emotions are left out of the decision so the proper decision is made.

The reason for the computer coming in the form of a man is to make it seem more personal, knowledgeable and caring. We probably would never let a computer make the decisions for us but a miniature friend would be a different story. Also man rhymes with can which worked great for the title. Besides, how many men actually would listen to a woman in a can? (Please, no throwing things at the author of the post ladies. It was an attempt at a joke)

“We need a new home with the baby coming, but can we afford to take on a new mortgage? I want to spend time watching my child grow up, but the costs to raise it might mean I am never home. Should we sacrifice by staying in a place that is not ideal or just man up and go for broke with the new place? What if the decision I make is wrong and we lose everything having to move in with my parents? I need to go buy a can of man with a plan right now. That will ease my mind.”

The cans wouldn’t be too expensive or it would ruin the whole concept. They would be recyclable and you could get some of your upfront costs back when you returned it to the store. A bit of repackaging and the can of man would be ready for another big life moment. No one would ever need to know that you didn’t make your own decision.

Buy the new washer we need or play the slots?

Buy the new washer we need or play the slots?

I admit the idea seems great to me. I’ve never been good at the big decisions and a plan for the future has been tough to come by unless winning the lottery counts. That’s always been my plan. Win the lottery and become rich! Biggest problem is I hardly ever play the lottery so I guess I don’t follow through with my plans all that great either.

“I need to figure out the best way to get rich. Should I play the lottery, bet on the horses, invest in the stock market or go on a bank robbing spree. I know! I’ll buy a man with a plan in a can and see what he says.”

Disclaimer: The man in the can is not to be used as a means of gaining monetary value and cannot make decisions involving illegal activities. Using the man in any way other than permitted will void any warranty or guarantees. This includes but is not limited to any and all decisions of a life threatening nature or any events not following the laws of the governing nation. The man also must not be used as an insertion device in any form. Bodily insertion is strictly prohibited! It is also not a babysitter or child monitor.

Well dangit there is always a bunch of rules with these things. There goes the idea of having the man pick my lottery numbers for me! Guess I just need to get back to attempting to take care of my life myself. I could ask my wife for her opinion and then not listen to it like usual. Wonder what would happen if I did listen to her ideas sometimes? Nah, that’s too much of a risk.

I guess for now we will just have to wait until the man in the can becomes a reality and then see if it works. I would be willing to at least give it a try, how about you?

What if I couldn’t control my emotions?

There are days when I really just want to scream. Go outside and just wail to the top of my lungs and not stop until I feel I’ve got everything out. Luckily for the neighbors I can usually control myself and not let my emotions get the best of me.

animals-34050_150When I was little it was a different story. I had the worst temper as a child and would let almost anything upset me. My siblings even nicknamed me Madman and would purposely attempt to see how angry they could make me. They turned it into a game, instead of hide and seek they wanted to play Madman.

As I got older I learned to suppress the anger and keep it bottled up inside. It started to matter more that I didn’t upset others rather than being upset myself. As long as everyone else is happy I can deal with a bit of frustration. Now I am getting even older and things seem to be changing once again.
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What if I could “clear the mechanism”?

There was a Kevin Costner movie a few years ago called For Love of the Game. It starred Costner as an aging MLB pitcher for the Detroit Tigers nearing the end of his Hall of Fame career. He was pitching what might be his final game in enemy territory at Yankee stadium. Anyone who follows baseball knows that Yankee fans are very loud, especially on their home turf. Costner’s character was able to free his mind from any of the outside distractions or noise using a technique I always admired and sometimes wish was an ability I possessed.

Pitcher Billy Chapel (Costner’s character’s name) would lean down before his pitch, take a moment and close his eyes while thinking to himself the phrase “Clear the mechanism”. When he reopened his eyes the only thing other than himself that was on the field was the catcher. There were no other players, umpires or even a batter. Also there was no noise. The fans were not a part of the equation any more. It was just him throwing the ball wherever he wanted and the catcher catching it. It didn’t matter how loud the fans or opposing players were, they had no effect on his effort.
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What if you could choose a birthday present for me?

recreation-25737_150You have two days to make your choice. If you could think of anything to give to the blogger who brings a little humor and entertainment into the world through this site ,Okay, What If?, JED’s Playhouse and the recently launched Multiverse Fiction Challenge what would you choose?

I expect something really nice, especially since it is going to be a blogging world gift only and its for the big 4-0. I don’t think I have ever revealed my true identity (or should I say alter-ego or maybe secret identity to make it sound even cooler) so you don’t need to worry about shipping charges or where to send it, just tell me what you think I deserve. Please be nice about it though. I am a bit stressed already from gaining a new number at the beginning of my age and not just the end.

baby-25388_150A little about me to help you choose. I have a loving wife I enjoy spending lots of time with and our family includes a total of three dogs and a cat. I’m a guy who likes a lot of silly things including comic books, horror movies and cartoons. You will probably never catch me on a motorcycle or in a speed boat but I enjoy the occasional nature walk. I love watching sports and am a pretty big Red Sox fan and NASCAR enthusiast.

The big birthday bash is going to start tomorrow night at about six. The get together will include hamburgers, hotdogs, chips, ice cream, cake and a few alcoholic beverages. Please be prepared to watch me stumble around drunkenly after the 9 o’clock hour. Bring your own barf bag if you are unable to maintain your composure.

So let’s hear it. What do you think a good fortieth birthday present is. Remember, these are the last days I can truthfully say I’m in my thirties. After Sunday I’ll have to lie about it, which I’ll probably do for a while.present-147168_150