What if your sofa could speak?

sofaIf your sofa could speak

What would it say

Might it tell the dogs

Get your stinking paws off of me

It might even suggest

To keep the popcorn to yourself

If you can’t eat without dropping

Then just leave it on the shelf

Where would you be

Without the ability to relax

What if the sofa

Started charging you tax

It might even ask

You put away your feet

It just couldn’t take

The way they did stink

You take it for granted

Thinking it will always be there

But what if the sofa

Took off to the fair

You’d be losing a friend

You didn’t know you had

The family would just joke

Saying, awww that’s too bad

They would add in their take

Telling you right fast

Maybe it’s a sign

To get off your lazy ass!sofa2

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What if your workplace was where you first discovered the Zombie virus?

The morning began the same as every other. I made the long journey down a few lonely roads at a time when most of the folks around were sleeping. I arrived my normal fifteen minutes early just in time to catch the coffee pot before it was emptied by my co-workers.

Then I headed down the long stretch past cubicle after cubicle until I saw the dimly lighted space I would call home for the next ten hours. Something seemed a little off this morning. The office was a lot quieter than usual. The few sounds that waffled through the air were more like muffled moans and screeching than the normal gossip I was used to.

Finally, a familiar face was in front of me.

“Have you seen them? It’s weird right?” Frank asked me as I stood there puzzled.

“Seen them? What are you talking about?”

I wondered if Frank was up to another of his office tricks. He was always starting a rumor or proposing a gag to play on the others in the workplace. Was I the recipient this time?

“They said it’s a virus. Everyone is susceptible to it but someone in the office must have been a carrier because there are a lot of people here infected.”

Okay, now I knew he was up to something. What was his hope though, that I would freak out in front of everybody? I wasn’t about to give him the pleasure of that.

“Yeah, okay. I get all worried and then someone jumps out of the closest cubicle hoping I scream or piss my pants right? I’m not falling for it Frank.” I said feeling proud.

No, tell you what. Just go look in the break room. You’ll understand. Don’t go in though, it might not end well.” Frank said more serious than I expected.

“Fine. I’ll play along” I mumbled as I headed toward the break area.

The door was closed which was a bit unusual. Everyone was in and out all day and no one wanted the hassle of opening the heavy wooden door each trip. It was probably all part of Frank’s scheme. The door had a large window I could look in without the need of entering so I figured as soon as I peered through someone was going to jump out or spray something at the window hoping to startle me.

Neither happened. No one jumped, nothing flew at the window but what I saw made my mouth drop. There was Liz, Ronnie and a delivery guy whose name I didn’t know wondering around aimlessly on the other side of the door. At least what used to be them anyway.

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Their skin was a weird gray-blue color and their eyes appeared lifeless. I could smell a distinct odor coming from the room the closer I got.

“See, it’s a Zombie outbreak. It’s been on the news.” Frank said to me approaching from behind.

“What are we doing about it?” I questioned quickly.

“Staying out of their way mostly. As long as you don’t get too close or let one bite you it can’t effect you.”

“But, but… What’s going to happen to them?”

“A couple sick days I guess and then back to the grind. Lucky bastards.” Frank’s response made my mouth gape open further than it ever had before.

“What’s going on here? Get back to work you two.” Bossman Bill screeched at us breaking the hope he was one of the affected “All these sickies we are dealing with means there is twice as much work for everyone else. No time to be standing around gawking.”

I scurried away and sat down at my desk contemplating where to start. Should I be worried? Was it just a virus that would pass? All the knowledge I had was from movies, TV and comics and in all of them zombie stories always ended badly.

Then again I really needed this job even if I hated it. I needed to worry about myself and forget all the weirdness around me. The two zombies reaching through the wall from the other side made staying focused awfully difficult.

working

I kept wiping off my desk as their drool dripped down. I figured I needed to keep the disinfectant handy and luckily, I had always been a bit of a neat freak anyway. I have to say the fact that the office was emptier than usual was a bit of a plus when it came to getting my work done. Even with the threat of a zombie attack I was on a roll. I was pumping out quarterly earnings reports faster than a zombie eats through a brain.

Bossman Bill even stopped by to thank me for my hard work and not freaking out about the whole virus situation. I think it was the first time he had ever said anything positive about my work. All in all it was a pretty great day. Wonder what tomorrow will have in store?

What if I was too old/too childish to enjoy the Simpsons?

I was born in 1974 and spent my early years watching every cartoon I could. My afternoons were spent with the Transformers, G. I. Joe and Scooby-Doo. My Saturday mornings were always about Spider-Man, He-Man and sometimes, yes I admit Josie and the Pussycats. I still know every Smurf’s name and sometimes speak in cartoon tongues (you know, things like “want a Scooby snack” “be very quiet, we huntin rabbit” and “wonder twin powers, activate” at the completely wrong times).

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I grew a little older and as a budding adult was introduced to the town of Springfield and the Simpsons family. I spent many years hanging out with the wonderful people of this colorful world. There were a few times in life when I wished I could be as brave as Lisa, as mischievous as Bart, as unnoticed as Maggie, as forgiving as Marge or as clueless as Homer. I wished I could have a frank discussion with Comic Book Guy about the state of Super-Hero lore or spend a day with Otto and maybe share in his haze. An evening at Moe’s and a Duff beer with friends wouldn’t be a bad way to spend some time either.

homersimpsonEventually, I’m not sure when, I moved on. I decided Bart’s antics were not as humorous anymore and Homer was a bit of a dope (d’oh!-pe?). Saying things like “eat my shorts” “Don’t have a cow man” and “Why you little!” just felt weird. They just made people look at me funny and instead of the joy I got from my other cartoony phrases, I felt embarrassed. I decided these were better suited to TV land than the real world, although I do still occasionally use “Excellent!” while wearing a sinister grin and lightly tapping my fingers together.

There were many other places for me to visit now. The TV was filled with cartoons like Family Guy, American Dad and South Park. I have spoken a bit about my addiction to these ridiculously hilarious programs before. I am almost always in front of my TV on Sunday nights for Fox’s Animation Domination programming block and adult swim on the cartoon network is where my remote stops nearly every evening. I admit it, I’m an immature kid at heart. I can’t help it. After spending a day worrying about bills, work and everything else the day throws at me I need a little immaturity.

Recently I saw a few advertisements for FXX running a twelve day every episode marathon of The Simpsons. Something like 552 episodes back to back to back to…well you know what a marathon is I’m sure. I have spent a few evenings and mornings since this started flipping channels looking for something to watch. I have passed by the FXX channel several times and seen the Simpson’s playing. I have not felt the need to turn it there yet, even when I could find nothing else on.

homerThen a couple days ago, somewhere in the back of my mind, a little voice spoke to me and said “You will not tune in to the marathon. You will resist and be able to say you didn’t watch a single episode during the momentous twelve day event!” Since then I keep flipping past and wondering what did the Simpsons ever do to me? Why after they gave me so much enjoyment have I abandoned the folks of Springfield? I have no answers.

Have I become too old for their brand of humor? Did I just tire of it? Have the newer, raunchier cartoon programs spoiled me? Do I need my cartoon character’s to curse, make rude sexual comments and cause world destroying chaos? Again, I have no answers.

If the answer to any of these questions is yes does that mean I have grown too old for the Simpsons or too immature? Am I becoming dependent on raunchy, disgusting, derogatory humor? Is the world following along suit with me? After all think about the state of today’s entertainment, especially here in the U.S.. So many movies and TV shows are about more than the story. The amount of entertainment is measured by the total nude scenes, genitalia references or swear words and we are eating it up.

I’m not necessarily saying any of this is a bad thing, just a bit of my mind wandering for this evening. It’s about time for me to finish my thought’s though, American Dad just came on the Cartoon Network. I believe this may be the one where Steve orders a mail order bride and him and his friends try to get her to take her clothes off. Or maybe it’s the one where he trades medicine for booze with a meth head who later is shot after they all break into a young girl’s bedroom. Either way I plan to watch it again and leave Bart to his playing hooky or pranking schoolteacher antics.

Although I may not be watching the Simpsons today, it seems they are still very much on my mind. I kind of wish I could get a little advice from Marge right about now. I swear I’d refrain from replying “Ay, Caramba” if she would just tell me if I should be worried about myself!

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What if I added a new feature to the site?

I decided it was time to add a new feature to the site. A while back I did a post asking for others to send me their ideas for a What if topic and I would do my best to write a post based on their idea. It worked well and a couple fun posts came out of it.

Later today I will be re-blogging a fun What if post from a blogger who has been exploring her own what if scenarios on her site after finding inspiration here. Seeing her post about What if life was like the Sims? made me realize there are many subjects out there that could be explored that I don’t have knowledge to do. I have never played the Sims so I wouldn’t have any idea about life as a Sim, but reading someone else’s post about it was entertaining.

For those reasons I have decided to add a permanent feature where you can submit an idea for a what if topic or submit a post of your own. The feature is listed on the side of every page so you can get to it at anytime. This way you can have your post featured here on the site without needing to become an active author or editor of the site. Credit will always be given with your name and blog listed unless you wish to remain anonymous. You can choose to publish your post on your own blog before submitting or re-blog the post from this sight once published here.

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I hope to see some new great ideas and fun posts from this feature. Let’s see just how random we can get with a scenario started by a what if? Thank you to everyone for reading and being along for the ride.

What if The Walking Dead’s zombie stars were hounded by paparazzi?

Zombies are everywhere today. They are the real stars of one of the most popular shows on television, so why aren’t the paparazzi constantly trying for a candid pic? Why does TMZ never show any interviews? Is somebody getting paid off to keep quiet about the unsanitary antics of these stars?

Getting close to these Walkers should be pretty easy. If you just hang out long enough at the graveyard you are bound to spot one. The stories are all there and people want to hear about them. I did a little digging (pun intended) myself and found out some information that everyone will be astonished by.

Here are a few examples of what we could see if the paparazzi and Hollywood reporters would just do their jobs.zombiegirl

The stories of after parties and cast hook-ups the female zombie pictured here could tell you would make you laugh, cry and cringe. Did she spend a night with two of the show’s biggest stars? Did the drunken orgies include toothless zombies sticking severed limbs in unmentionable places? She is willing to talk if somebody wants to listen. How about it Hollywood Reporter, Variety Magazine or Entertainment Television?

buffet

The food provided on set will disgust you. You wouldn’t believe what makes the cut and is laid out for the zombies. It seems the food is seldom cleaned and clothing is usually left on. There also is never any variety, just the same thing every day. I would have thought the budget for the show would provide for adequate meals for all involved, but the zombies will tell you differently.

It’s easy to see why they feel their contributions to the show are not appreciated. I’ve even talked to a few who have mentioned a strike. Could the show survive without it’s zombie stars? I don’t think so.

zombie-mob

The security on set is questionable at best. The zombie wannabes are always trying to get on the lot. You never see mobs of people dressed and acting like Rick, Daryl or Michonne and that should tell you something about the real stars of the show. There have been times where the only way to keep the mob out is for these actor’s to get involved. The mob of wannabe zombies roaming outside the filming locations are a sight most find a little scary, but what’s ever scarier is when one makes it on set. Some try to prove they could be among the shows greats by biting anyone involved in the show’s creation. On set medical teams are on constant alert according to my sources.

If I can find all this out you know the professional’s have access as well. Why the public is not given this information is anybody’s guess, but I truly believe that either the network or show’s creators are suppressing any news to make sure the zombies will never get credit as the true stars they are. If the people knew more about them and how important the zombies were to the show’s success they would realize it as well. Once they started asking for raises citing the show’s popularity, the profits would be cut significantly.

zombies

These guys even claimed to have pics from the changing rooms of a few of the star zombies. They were willing to part with them for a sizable fee claiming I wouldn’t believe the photos and would be given exclusive rights. I admit the thought of seeing scantily clad or clothe less zombies is a bit intriguing, but I have a few morals and decided to let them keep these to sell to someone else. Still it proves my point the stories and pictures are out there.

When will the paparazzi decide these stories are too important to keep hidden? I feel it won’t be long before we see zombies being interviewed on Good Morning America and I am all for it. I think we should be on social sites astonished and angry after the zombie deaths just like we are with the human ones. Give them their due and a little respect. Zombie’s were once people too!

What if I faked my life?

Sometimes it feels as if I am lost.

I stand on the outside and stare in on life.

I can only watch as the mistakes unfold.

Why did I not see the fault in my actions?dandelion-333093_640

Why couldn’t I step in and stop the shame?

Do others see me as I see myself?

Do they know I am lost, adrift in the wind?

Where am I going, where have I been?

I think it’s time I take control

Find my way and make my choices

I need to be more than I am

No more drifting, just getting by

Time for me to be a better man

Faking my life no longer an option

Living the fullest is now my plan